Introduction to the Devout LifeChapter XX. Of the difference between true and vain friendships
Chapter XX. Of the difference between true and vain friendships
Observe, Philothea, this important admoni- > ti on. As the poisonous honey of Heraclea is so similar to the other that is wholesome, that there is great danger of mistaking the one for the other, or of taking them mixed together (for the goodness of the one cannot destroy the poison of the other) ; so he must stand upon his guard who would not be deceived in friendships, particularly when contracted betwixt persons of different sexes, under what pretext soever. The devil often effects a change in those that love; they begin with virtuous love, with which, if not attended to with the utmost discretion, fond love will begin to mingle itself, then sensual love, and afterwards carnal love; yea, there is even danger in spiritual love, if we are not extremely upon our guard; though in this it is more difficult to be imposed upon, because its purity and whiteness make the spots and stains which Satan seeks to mingle with it more apparent, and therefore when he takes this in hand he does it more subtilely, and endeavors to introduce impurities by almost insensible degrees.
You may distinguish worldly from holy friendship in the same manner as the poisonous honey of Heraclea is known from the other; for as the honey of Heracles is sweeter than the ordinary honey, on account of the juice of the aconite, which gives it an additional flavor; so worldly friendship ordinarily produces a great profusion of endearing words, passionate expressions, with admiration of beauty, behavior, and other sensual qualities. Holy friendship, on the contrary, speaks a plain and sincere language, and commends nothing but virtue and the grace of God, the only foundation on which it subsists. As the honey of Heraclea, when swallowed, occasions a giddiness in the head, so false friendship produces a vertigo in the mind, which makes persons stagger in chastity and devotion, hurrying them on to affected, wanton, and immodest looks, sensual caresses, inordinate sighs, and ridiculous complaints of not being beloved, to a studied and enticing carriage, to gallantries, to interchanging of Kisses, with other familiarities and indecent favors, the certain and unquestionable presages of the approaching ruin of chastity. But the looks of holy friendship are simple and modest; its caresses pure and sincere; its sighs are but for heaven; its familiarities are only spiritual; its complaints but when God is not beloved. These are infallible marks of a holy friendship. As the honey of Heraclea affects the sight, so this worldly friendship dazzles the judgment to such a degree, that they who are infected with it think they do well when they act wrongly, and believe their excuses and pretexts for two reasons: they fear the light, and love darkness. But holy friendship is clear-sighted, and never conceals herself, but appears willingly before those that are good. In fine, as the honey of Heraclea leaves a great bitterness in the mouth, so false friendships change into lewd and carnal words and demands; and, in case of refusal, into injuries, slanders, imposture, sadness, confusion, and jealousies, which often terminate in madness. Chaste friendship is always equally honest, civil, and amiable, and changes only into a purer union of spirits; a lively image of the blessed friendship existing in heaven.
St. Gregory Nazianzen says, that as the cry of the peacock, when he struts and spreads his feathers, excites the peahens to lust, so, when we see a man dressed in his best apparel, approaching to flatter, and whisper in the ears of a woman, without pretension to lawful marriage, then no doubt it is to incite her to impurity; and every virtuous woman will stop her ears against the cry of this peacock, the voice of this enchanter, who seeks thus subtilely to charm her; but, should she hearken to him, good God! what an ill presage of the future loss of her heart!
Young people who use gestures, glances, and caresses, or speak words in which they would not willingly be surprised by their fathers, mothers, husbands, wives, or confessors, testify hereby that they are treating of something contrary to honor and conscience. Our blessed Lady was troubled when she saw an angel in the shape of a man, because she was alone, and because he gave her extraordinary though heavenly praises. O Saviour of the world! if purity itself be afraid of an angel in the shape of a man, why should not impurity fear a man, even though he should come in the shape of an angel, especially when he praises her with sensual and earthly commendations?
C'est ici, Philothée, le grand avertissement: le miel d'Héraclée, qui est si vénéneux, ressemble à l'autre qui est si salutaire: il y a grand danger de prendre l'un pour l'autre, ou de les prendre mêlés ensemble; car la bonté de l'un ne corrigeroit pas la malignité de l'autre. Il faut donc être sur ses gardes pour n'être point trompé en amitié, car bien souvent Satan donne le change. On commence par l'amitié vertueuse; mais bientôt, si on n'est prudent, l'amitié frivole s'y mêle, puis l'amitié fausse, puis l'amitié coupable. Oui, même dans l'amitié spirituelle, il y a du danger, si on n'est fort sur ses gardes, bien qu'il soit plus difficile d'y prendre le change, à cause de sa pureté et de sa blancheur, qui rendent plus reconnoissables les souillures que Satan veut y mêler. C'est pourquoi quand le démon veut en venir là, il s'y prend plus finement, et tâche de glisser le poison presque sans qu'on s'en aperçoive.
Vous distinguerez l'amitié mondaine de la sainte et vertueuse, comme l'on distingue le miel d'Héraclée d'avec l'autre: le miel d'Héraclée est plus doux à la langue que le miel ordinaire, à raison de l'aconit qui lui donne ce surcroît de douceur. De même l'amitié mondaine produit ordinairement une multitude de paroles doucereuses, de flatteries, de petits mots d'admiration sur la beauté, la bonne grâce et les autres avantages extérieurs; au lieu que l'amitié sainte a un langage simple et franc, et ne peut louer que la vertu et la grâce de Dieu, unique fondement sur lequel elle repose. Le miel d'Héraclée excite dans ceux qui en mangent de grands tournoiemens de tête; et la fausse amitié provoque aussi des espèces de vertiges, qui font chanceler la personne qui en est atteinte dans la voie de la vertu et de la dévotion, la portant à des manières affectées, à de folles démonstrations, à de petites plaintes, à de petits soupçons, à des empressemens outrés, à des prétentions ridicules, et à mille autres choses qui présagent certainement la ruine prochaine de la vertu. L'amitié sainte agit bien différemment: elle n'a que des regards simples et modestes, que des démonstrations pures et franches; toute son ambition est pour le Ciel, tous ses regrets, tout son chagrin est que Dieu ne soit pas assez aimé: marques infaillibles d'une honnêteté parfaite. Le miel d'Héraclée trouble la vue, et l'amitié mondaine trouble si fort le jugement que l'on ne distingue plus le bien et le mal, et que l'on prend pour de vraies raisons les prétextes les plus mal fondés, que l'on craint la lumière et qu'on aime les ténèbres. L'amitié sainte, au contraire a les yeux clairvoyans, et loin de se cacher, elle se plaît à paroître devant les gens de bien. Enfin le miel d'Héraclée laisse dans la bouche une grande amertume: ainsi les fausses amitiés se terminent ordinairement par des brouilleries, des injures, des impostures, des tristesses, des confusions et des jalousies qui vont souvent jusqu'à l'emportement et le désespoir. Mais la bonne amitié est toujours également douce, polie et aimable; elle ne connoît pas le changement, si ce n'est pour devenir une plus pure et plus parfaite union des esprits et des cœurs; image vive de l'amitié bienheureuse que l'on goûte au Ciel.