The Letters of St. Jerome 2
2 To Theodosius and the Rest of the Anchorites PL 22, 327
Written from Antioch, 374 a.d., while Jerome was still in doubt as to his future course. Theodosius appears to have been the head of the solitaries in the Syrian Desert.
How I long to be a member of your company, and with uplifting of all my powers to embrace your admirable community! Though, indeed, these poor eyes are not worthy to look upon it. Oh! that I could behold the desert, lovelier to me than any city! Oh! that I could see those lonely spots made into a paradise by the saints that throng them! But since my sins prevent me from thrusting into your blessed company a head laden with every transgression, I adjure you (and I know that you can do it) by your prayers to deliver me from the darkness of this world. I spoke of this when I was with you, and now in writing to you I repeat anew the same request; for all the energy of my mind is devoted to this one object. It rests with you to give effect to my resolve. I have the will but not the power; this last can only come in answer to your prayers. For my part, I am like a sick sheep astray from the flock. Unless the good Shepherd shall place me on his shoulders and carry me back to the fold, my steps will totter, and in the very effort of rising I shall find my feet give way. I am the prodigal son who although I have squandered all the portion entrusted to me by my father, have not yet bowed the knee in submission to him; not yet have I commenced to put away from me the allurements of my former excesses. And because it is only a little while since I have begun not so much to abandon my vices as to desire to abandon them, the devil now ensnares me in new toils, he puts new stumbling-blocks in my path, he encompasses me on every side.
The seas around, and all around the main.
I find myself in mid-ocean, unwilling to retreat and unable to advance. It only remains that your prayers should win for me the gale of the Holy Spirit to waft me to the haven upon the desired shore.
Quid igitur faciam? quod implere non possum, negare non audeo. Super onerariam navem rudis vector imponor. Et 3 homo, qui necdum scalmum in lacu rexi, Euxini maris credor fragoribus. Nunc mihi evanescentibus terris, coelum undique et undique pontus : nunc unda tenebris inhorrescit, et caeca nocte nimborum spumei fluctus canescunt. Hortaris, ut tumida malo vela suspendam, rudentes explicem, clavum regam. Pareo jam jubenti, et quia caritas omnia potest, Spiritu Sancto cursum prosequente confidam, habiturus in utraque parte solatium; si me ad optatos portus aestus impulerit, gubernator putabor infirmior; si inter asperos orationis anfractus impolitus sermo substiterit, facultatem forsitan quaeras, voluntatem certe flagitare non poteris.