Letters373 Letter CCCLXXIII. From the abbot of siv' to s. Bernard (Circa A.D. 1147)

He complains of the weight of the charge laid upon him.

To his wished-for lord and very dear father BERNARD, Abbot of Clairvaux, his son, the unprofitable servant of the Abbey at Sp., wishes health and the blessing of all nations.

I have greatly desired that this letter should find you, if it were possible, free and disengaged from other business. For I have feared continually while writing, and think now with fear, of that man who desired to see Jesus, but was unable for the crowd because he was little of stature (S. Luke xix. 3). And it is not only your leisure that I desire, but also that I should find grace in your eyes. For what solace would your leisure alone be to me? May God pardon you, what have you done? Where have you placed me, being such an one as I am, whose powers are so little in proportion to the burden that I have to bear? It seems to me to be heavier than the sands of the sea. For what am I, and what is my father's house? Am I not a child who knows not how to come in or go out? What am I that I should be able with my own powers only to sustain, or rather raise up again the Abbey with which I am charged? It resembles an enclosure wrhich is crumbling, or a wall in ruins. Such a business is above my powers, and I am consumed with useless labour. Still I strive even amidst my groans, but of what use are my labours and my groans? The diseases are of long standing, the plague an acute one, the mischief incurable except by a strong hand. Vices have been turned into habitudes, habitudes into custom, custom has become, as it were, a second nature, and is now a necessity. O how necessary it is that this necessity should be drawn out by the roots! But, I say it with tears, it has pushed such strong roots into the soil that they are too strong for me. So you see that I am absolutely wanting in the needful powers to give help. Even that brother who is the bearer of this letter, who was highly necessary to me, is leaving us. His charge was to teach the novices; they profited under his direction. I rejoiced in it, and hoped by the mercy of God a day might come when death might be swallowed up by life. I render this testimony in his favour, that as far as one man is permitted to judge of another, his conversation among us has been acceptable to God and pleasing to men. Therefore his departure cannot be without grief to me. You are able, my lord, to turn my sorrow into joy if I have found favour in your eyes. So far about these matters, other things the bearer will explain at greater length.