AFFABILITÀ. – It is the virtue that regulates a person’s entire outward comportment (speech, action, manner), so as to make him well received and agreeable to those with whom he is in relationship. Affability is a social virtue, annexed to justice, because man is by nature destined not for solitary life but for coexistence with others; now, this coexistence is impossible without a pleasant, well-mannered, gracious, courteous, and amiable demeanor. “No one can remain for a single day with a tiresome person or one who does not know how to make himself agreeable” (Aristotle in Ethic. Nicom. 5, 2, in St. Thomas In X libros Ethicorum, lect. 5ᵃ). On the contrary, Holy Scripture observes, “How good and joyful it is when brothers dwell together! It is like fragrant oil poured upon the head and running down upon the beard... like the dew of Hermon... for there the Lord bestows his blessing and life forever” (Ps. 132, 1-4). “Make yourself agreeable in the assemblies of the poor; lend the poor your ear without annoyance and answer him kindly” (Eccl. 4, 7-8). Affability is therefore a matter of order and harmony, civilization, good manners, courtesy, with all that is refined and delicate, enchanting and exquisite contained in these words. And it will be the more perfect the more it proceeds from a living feeling of the soul that accompanies the outward act; but, strictly speaking, it abstracts from the interior and regulates only the exterior.
Affability, being a moral virtue, must remain in the mean. It does not, however, exclude the need, in view of some good to be attained or some evil to be avoided, occasionally to grieve one’s neighbor: “Have you daughters? Guard their bodies and do not show them a face that is too smiling” (Eccl. 7, 26). And St. Paul to the Corinthians: “I rejoice not because I grieved you, but because this grief led you to repentance” (Il Cor. 7, 9). “Here we have a complete program of perfect good manners and courtesy and, at the same time, of high morality and wise reserve in daily relations with one’s neighbor” (Pègues, p. 676).
Affability must also beware of flattery (v.), which praises one who is not praiseworthy or praises him under aspects that are not praiseworthy; moroseness (v.), which makes people difficult or little inclined to yield.