Love (Conjugal)

LOVE (CONJUGAL). - It is the mutual affection that binds the two spouses in a reciprocal, full and constant dedication of themselves: mind, heart, body. The very word "conjuges," "conjugal" immediately indicates that this is a "yoke," hence a life, a journey "as a pair," which will necessarily entail limits, impose conditions and even heroisms that neither free love (v.) nor trial love nor any other union can claim to possess. The subject is developed further on (v. MATRIMONY: uniqueness, indissolubility, purpose); here we deal only with the qualities, the fruits, and the riches that love brings when it blossoms between the man and the woman who have united for a "journey as a pair" and is sublimated by the Sacrament instituted by Jesus Christ.

1. CONJUGAL LOVE IS A RECIPROCAL ENRICHMENT OF THE SPOUSES

a) God, in creating man and woman, endowed each of them with profound differences, not limited to the physiological order, but evident also in character, in gifts, in tendencies, in aspirations. Neither of the two by itself constitutes a complete whole in every respect, and therefore each demands, in order to be completed and perfected, the help of the other, with whom to unite as intimately as possible. "It is not good for man to remain alone; let us make him a help similar to himself" (Gen. 2:18). Man and woman must complete each other mutually, each contributing what the other lacks. Their differences may therefore be called complementary, and thus destined to find in conjugal love their harmonious fusion, with the consequent physical and spiritual enrichment of the spouses. Woman needs to feel and find in man a being whom she venerates and admires; man feels the need of the gentle and solicitous, prudent and beneficent influence of woman. b) Man, created in the image and likeness of God, who is "love" (1 Jn. 4:1), is himself, in his inmost being, love. Now, just as the three divine Persons of the Most Holy Trinity are infinitely happy in their mutual love, so the family in the deep love of its members becomes the purest and truest source of happiness. But true and deep love is not egoism, but dedication to others: for the beloved person no sacrifice is too hard or heavy; everything, rather, becomes light, lovable, conquerable; nor is one content to give this or that; but one gives everything, even oneself, without any regret. The image of this love is contemplated in the Most Holy Trinity and in so moving a manner in the human nature of the Son of God. And St. Paul (Eph. 5:25-33) compares the love of spouses to the love of Christ for his bride, the Church. Conjugal love must therefore tend to reproduce these two ideals; and the closer it comes to them, the more it will be ennobled and will make them happy. c) Conjugal love requires the active cooperation of the spouses in the various events and situations of family life. In this "some duties are proper to the man, others belong to the woman, to the mother; but neither can the woman remain entirely extraneous to the work of her husband, nor the husband to the cares of his wife. Whatever is done in the family must in some way be the fruit of collaboration; the work, in some degree, common to both spouses" (Pius XII, Discourse to Spouses, 18 March 1942). Now full collaboration must be given with mind, will and work; it is founded on mutual esteem and respect; it subordinates particular works and tastes to the common thought and purpose; which cannot happen unless each of the spouses knows how, in due time and place, to impose on himself the necessary restrictions on his own freedom; to avoid what can constitute a snare to the fidelity of heart and body (platonic friendships, imprudent coquetries, risky conversations and visits outside time and measure); to detest the snares and allurements, even graver, of compensatory affections (cf. the plot of A. Fogazzaro's novel, Daniele Cortis [Tutte le opere di A. F., ed. P. Nardi, III, Milan 1931, p. 460: "They are spouses without nuptials, not with the flesh, but with the heart"]); to adapt to the other's temperament, to tolerate patiently his gaps and defects. Hence a continuous exercise of virtues, sometimes even heroic, which, though it may seem hard or difficult, brings with it, for one who knows how to practice it, a true enrichment of virtue. d) If, in accordance with St. Paul's concept, the spouses must reproduce the mutual love of Christ and the Church, it follows that their love will take on a liberating function. It will be founded ever more in the image of Christ, seen in the other spouse, will surpass the phase of simple romantic love, of purely sensory attraction; each will love the other for what he is and represents, that is, God; and without at all depriving themselves of any of the joys brought by marriage, they will exploit them for a mutual help to form and perfect each day more the mutual interior life, the serenity of a sweet yet living intimacy; and the same reciprocal gift of their persons, with all the moral and physical riches it brings, will lose, so to speak, all monotony and all automatism and will be transformed into the spontaneous expression and the enchanting crowning of love.

2. CONJUGAL LOVE MADE SUBLIME BY THE SACRAMENT

a) The love of spouses takes on an even higher moral value by the fact that marriage, which consecrates it, has been raised by God to the dignity of a sacrament. The conjugal union thus becomes a channel of supernatural and sanctifying life. Just as the two spouses at the moment of Matrimony were instruments of mutual sanctification, because they, and not the priest present, were the ministers of the Sacrament, mutually bestowed and received, so they continue to sanctify themselves in the exercise of conjugal life, because if the sacrament properly so called is but an act that passes and the gesture of an instant, it nonetheless has a lasting effect and transforms the married state into a permanent spiritual state, a source of continuous graces. For this reason it is compared to the sacrament of Order and of the Eucharist; of Order, because the spouses are its ministers, as the priest is minister of the others; of the Eucharist, "because it is a sacrament not only while it is being performed, but also while it endures; and as long as the spouses live, their union is always the sacrament of Christ and the Church" (Pius XI, encyclical Casti Connubii). Therefore by virtue of the sacramental grace received in the sacrament, all the works that concern the obligations, the charges of the married state (demonstrations of love, tendernesses, joys, testimonies of gratitude, the cares of the house and family, intimate relations), if performed in the grace of God and in legitimate ways, are not only holy works, but also works of mutual sanctification. This explains the Church's care and solicitude in preserving conjugal love from even the smallest shadow that might obscure its splendor; and it also explains the reason why its healthy and legitimate exercise may rightly be called one of the paths of holiness.

Celestino Testore

AMORE (DEL PROSSIMO): v. CARITÀ.