Love (Conjugal)

AMORE (CONIUGALE). — It is the mutual affection that binds the two spouses in their reciprocal, complete, and constant self-giving: mind, heart, and body. The very word « spouses », « conjugal » immediately indicates that this is a « yoke », and therefore a life, a journey « in two », which will necessarily involve limitations, impose conditions, and also require forms love (v.), nor experimental love, nor any other union can claim to possess. The subject is developed further (v. MATRIMONIO: unicità, indissolubilità, finalità); here we are concerned only with the qualities, fruits, and riches entailed by love when it flourishes between the man and woman who have joined themselves for a « journey in two » and is sublimated by the Sacrament instituted by Jesus Christ.

1. CONJUGAL LOVE IS THE MUTUAL ENRICHMENT OF THE SPOUSES

a) In creating man and woman, God endowed each with profound differences, not limited to the physiological order, but also apparent in character, gifts, tendencies, and aspirations. Neither of the two, taken alone, constitutes a complete whole in every respect and therefore requires, in order to complete and perfect itself, the help of another, with whom to unite as intimately as possible. « It is not good for man to remain alone; let us make him a helper like unto himself » (Gen. 2:18). Man and woman must complement each other, each according to his or her own part, each contributing what the other lacks. Their differences may therefore be called complementary, and consequently destined to find in conjugal love their harmonious fusion, with the resulting physical and spiritual enrichment of the spouses. The woman needs to feel and find in man a being whom she venerates and admires; man feels the need for the gentle and attentive, discerning and beneficial influence of woman. b) Man, created in the image and likeness of God, who is « love » (1 Io. 4:1), is himself, in his innermost being, love. Now, just as the three divine Persons of the Most Holy Trinity are infinitely happy in their reciprocal love, so the family, in the profound love of its members, becomes the purest and truest source of happiness. But true and profound love is not egoism, but devotion to others: for the beloved person no sacrifice is too arduous or burdensome; indeed, everything becomes easy, lovable, attainable; nor does one content oneself with giving this or that, but gives everything, even oneself, without any regret. The image of this love is contemplated in the Most Holy Trinity and, in so moving a manner, in the human nature of the Son of God. And St. Paul (Eph. 5:25-33) compares the love of spouses with the love of Christ for his bride, the Church. Conjugal love must therefore strive to reproduce these two ideals; and the more closely it approaches them, the more it will be ennobled and will make the spouses happy. c) Conjugal love requires the active cooperation of the spouses in the various events and circumstances of family life. In this « some duties are proper to the man, other duties belong to the woman, to the mother; but neither can the woman remain entirely foreign to her husband’s work, nor the husband to his wife’s concerns. Whatever is done in the family must in some manner be the fruit of collaboration; to some degree, the common work of both spouses » (Pius XII, Address to Spouses, 18 March 1942). Now full cooperation must be given with the mind, the will, and one’s work; it is founded upon reciprocal esteem and respect; it subordinates particular activities and tastes to the common thought and purpose; and this cannot occur unless each spouse knows, at the proper time and place, how to impose the necessary restrictions upon his or her own freedom; to avoid whatever may constitute a snare to fidelity of heart and body (platonic friendships, imprudent coquetries, conversations and visits undertaken at the wrong time or beyond due measure); to detest the even graver snares and allurements of compensatory affections (cf. the plot of the novel by A. Fogazzaro, Daniele Cortis [Tutte le opere di A. F., ediz. P. Nardi, III, Milano 1931, p. 460: « Sono sposi senza nozze, non con la carne, ma con il cuore »])); to adapt oneself to the character of the other and patiently tolerate his or her shortcomings and defects. Hence a continual exercise of virtue, at times even heroic virtue, which, though it may seem arduous or difficult, nevertheless brings, for one who knows how to practise it, a true enrichment in virtue. d) If, in accordance with St. Paul’s conception, spouses must reproduce the reciprocal love of Christ and the Church, it follows that their love will have a liberating function. It will increasingly be founded upon the image of Christ, seen in the other spouse; it will go beyond the stage of simple romantic love and purely sensory attraction; each will love the other for what he or she is and represents, namely God; and without in any way depriving themselves of any of the joys brought by marriage, they will use them to help each other form and perfect, day by day, their mutual interior life and the serenity of a tender yet living intimacy. The reciprocal gift of their persons, with all the moral and physical riches it entails, will, so to speak, lose all monotony and automatism and become the spontaneous expression and enchanting crowning of love.

2. CONJUGAL LOVE SUBLIMATED BY THE SACRAMENT

a) The love of spouses possesses an even higher moral value because marriage, which consecrates it, has been raised by God to the dignity of a sacrament. The conjugal union thus becomes a channel of supernatural and sanctifying life. Just as, at the celebration of Matrimony, the two spouses were instruments of reciprocal sanctification, because they, and not the priest who was present, were the ministers of the Sacrament, mutually bestowed and received, so they continue to sanctify one another in the exercise of conjugal life. For although the sacrament properly so called is only a passing act and the gesture of a moment, it nevertheless has a lasting effect and transforms the married state into a permanent spiritual state, the source of continual graces. It is therefore compared with the sacraments of Orders and the Eucharist: with Orders, because the spouses are its ministers, just as the priest is the minister of the others; with the Eucharist, « because it is a sacrament not only while it is being effected, but also while it endures; and as long as the spouses live, their union is always the sacrament of Christ and the Church » (Pius XI, encyclical Casti Communis). Therefore, by virtue of the sacramental grace received in the sacrament, all the actions concerning the obligations and duties of the married state (expressions of love, tenderness, joys, expressions of gratitude, care of the home and family, intimate relations), if performed in the grace of God and in legitimate ways, are not only holy works but also works of mutual sanctification. This explains the Church’s care and solicitude in preserving conjugal love from even the slightest shadow that might obscure its splendour; and it also explains why its healthy and legitimate exercise may rightly be called one of the paths to holiness.

AMORE (DEL PROSSIMO): V. CARITÀ.